Habit isn’t standard. Effort leads to success.

Today marks 5 years of marriage. It has had its ups and downs. I’ve learned a lot from this man. I wish I could say I was a good wife, but I’m not. Ive pushed him away a lot and caused unaccountable amounts of pain. Yet he still stays by my side. He has pushed me to be better than I am. He has supported me and pushed me along my career path. I didn’t do the same for him. I discouraged him. *

I keep typing then deleting things because even to my own self it sounds like nothing but excuses.*

I hope that he can forgive me for the pain I’ve caused and that we can try for many more years. I’ve been married twice before. I wanted this time to be different because I viewed him as different than my previous. Turns out that having a partner thats different doesnt make a marriage different if you are still the same shitty person. I want him to see that Im changing to be better. To be the best wife that I can be. I want to make him happy.

Side note- my husband just yelled “potato” for no reason. This is the man that Ive chosen to spend my life with. He is calm when needed, he makes me laugh, he makes me think (which Ive never had to actually do in a relationship).

Its not been easy. For the longest time I tried to tiptoe around his moods and eccentricities bc I didnt want to send him in a tailspin of depression. Looking back, Im not sure if i did it for him or me. I didnt like seeing him in pain but I also didnt know or like having to hold him together. I realize that I was causing more pain by not being honest. By the time that I realized I was hurting more than helping, I was in a catch 22 and the lies just kept piling on.

After 5 years, I’m off autopilot. I want to be with him and I want to enjoy whatever life throws at us together. I know its not going to be easy, its going to be hard work. But im willing to do whatever it takes. He keeps stopping me for actually saying this because i have made statements like that before and it has lasted 2 weeks until i get complacent again and continue back on autopilot. Im writing it here so that I can reread this whenever I feel myself slipping to make a conscious effort to pull myself back from there to be a partner he can be proud of, that I can be proud to be.

Im sorry for all the shit Ive pulled. Im your wife and I will strive to be worthy of the love and support you offer each and every day. Happy anniversary my hero.

The Interview

I asked many questions about the affair. More than I honestly should have mainly because she didn’t understand that being truthful means everything to me. Even when telling me she would be truthful she still lied in an effort to protect herself. It was her mainly retelling the same story with new additions and new pains. It was interesting to see her break away from lying. The only cost is I had to lie to her for her to even start telling me the truth. A door I never wanted to open. I never lied to my family like that before and there I was lying to her to get her to tell the truth. How can I say lying is such a horrible thing when it produces so many results? In the past, I knew she was well a horrible person. I still loved her anyway. I found that maybe I could have a better marriage then my first and focus on doing the right thing for once. The only thing I wish I never did was believing that I could have a miracle. I believed she messed up enough in the past to understand that a fourth marriage wouldn’t be in her best interest. This wasn’t the case she sought out to branch as every female does. I can now fully understand the movement of MGTOW. Why men are separating them self’s from women. I still don’t know if she is with me now because of the wall she has hit or because I’m a good influence on Jackson. Either way, She destroyed our marriage. I’m honestly done with it. I don’t want to be with her anymore. At least not that part of her anymore. But what makes it interesting is that after such an issue I feel like a real bond can grow. Like she might see the truth for what it is. She might move forward and find real love. The only problem every lie she has told well it’s always been the same lie over and over again. She told me it’s her fault, but my dumb ass keeps thinking it was mine because I wasn’t strong enough even when I felt things where honestly happening, I let it go because I was too scared to ask. I even played the song I don’t want to know countless times during these times because I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. She broke me down to a worthless human being and I’m still willing to call her wife. I don’t know why did I hit a wall. I don’t know if its just I honestly want to give up. I pressed a knife in my chest and started to press it in my skin didn’t break even though I was firmly pressing it. I don’t know why they are brand new. She even stopped it like she cared which was interesting. I feel she still can’t relate to what she has done, but I don’t know what to do anymore. Well, that’s the Mindset below is the interview Enjoy. You might notice some words are spelled wrong or not finished it was a direct copy paste of her answers.

what where you able to express or experience there that you could no longer do with me?

It was that new attraction feeling. I thought it was something to do with you. But it wasnt. That was me justifying it to myself. I let that feeling burn out. It’s the feeling that has rekindled in the past couple of weeks of me actually being with you instead of being a roommate. It was my fault. You havent changed. You’ve held your hand out to me from the beginning. I’m the one that changed. I relaxed and thought it would carry us through the rest of our lives to keep putting bandaids on it. It didnt. It just allowed the relationship underneath the mound of covers to rot.

What was it like for you when you came home?

Routine

What is it about us that you value?

I value the strength and protectiveness in you. I value your kind words when you are encouraging or praising me and Jack. I value the companionship that I’ve only begun to see. You always have a smile for me. You always make me laugh. You push me to be better than I am bc you have faith in me.

Are you pleased this is over?

I’m pleased that I got it out after so long. But I dont think its over
So you will see him again?

No!, I was meaning talking about me and you. I haven’t seen him in years. And I don’t plan on seeing him again. I haven’t talked to him since he was walked out.

Where you getting some need met from this other person that you were afraid to ask me to provide?

Technically yes. I was getting a ego boost that I didnt ask you for bc I had been pushing you away

Did you feel guilty at the time?

Yes. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyways

Did you find anything new out about yourself?

Just the I’m the world’s biggest bitch And I’ve been a complete idiot

I hear you blame the other person for the affair, is it difficult for you to take full responsibility?

I know its fully my fault

Why do you think it happened when it did? Was there anything else going on in your life that influenced your decision?

We had recently moved to Prattville. I had starting imposing when we could have sex (after everyone went to sleep). That’s what was going on at the time. I’m not trying to use all that as an excuse. That’s just the circumstances at the time.

What made it difficult to stop?

It was difficult to stop lying bc it was always easier than being honest. I tried to shroud the truth in layers of lies to make it easier for me to not hate myself. That didnt work though. I hated myself all the more because of it.

What made it difficult to stop your relationship with him?

Once it got to the point that I was disgusted with myself I knew I had to end it. It wasnt neccesarily difficult. It was more annoying bc I basically wanted to ghost but we worked in the same building for a few more shifts. Turns out he was ghosting me too.

What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?

That it was just a fling, it didnt mean anything. There was distance growing between us. You never wanted to be in the same room as me anymore anyways.

How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong?

Cause I didnt really see that the flirting, no matter how deep it went, that it wasnt cheating until it moved physical. Then it lasted 3 shifts.

What did you share about us with him?

I didnt bring us up. I figured that if I did it would make me realise sooner that what I was doing was erong. So I didnt mention us at work. It wasnt just to him. I didn’t talk about us to anyone at work. I wasnt close enough to anyone. Didnt even talk to Sinclair or Teresa about us. Granted, the girls were later on but I didnt even then

Did you ever want me to find out?

I wanted to tell you myself eventually. I didnt want you to find out from someone else

What drew you to this person?

Outgoing personality and looks.

How did you feel when I found out about the affair?

Like shit that I wasnt the one to tell you. Scared that I had ruined everything between us when I was just starting to enjoy being with you again. Broken that I had hurt you. And disgusted that I had done it.

Did you think I would never find out?

No I knew you would. Especially with how much it was coming up lately. I just didnt know how to tell you.

Did you see a future with this other person?

no

Did you ever think of leaving me?
I have questioned whether or not to leave you a couple times over the years, but never about anything to do with him

Are you willing to be patient as I learn how to forgive you?

Yes. I told you we could have this conversation a million times if that’s what it takes and I will not give up on you. I will either hold you when you need me to or not touch you when you need me to.What would it be like if I had an affair?

Devastating

Calming Wave

Trying a new approach to my life. Wanting to move forward with my mind twisting back. Like a knife leaning on the weight of my decisions will I be cut, or will I handle the blade correctly. Things seem to always work out to where I see an outcome and I beg for it not to come true only to see I was right all along. I need to change the speed and direction of my movement to no longer fight the waves but to use them to finally find peace in my own life. Times will be hard, and my mind can be my worst enemy. But this life is mine the only one I’ll ever have. I need to find peace in it and move forward into a passion I can trust. Things can always get worse but have we ever truly tried to make them better?

The Truth Arrives

Women I beg for understanding. Why cause so much pain and suffer. Why is it men are discarded at the flip of a coin. My own wife decided it was time for truth. What is the truth but a lie covered in roses? The roses wilt when the truth itself isn’t pure. Not only do you find yourself in a situation where you tell the truth to someone you cover the whole truth and try to lessen the impact. My wife made the choice like I view all women do to cheat on me. This wasn’t recent, but it did occur. When the partner asks you to define cheating before they answer the question then whatever comes out their mouth is a lie. When you set the stage for them, they will play it within rules to make sure they are ahead of the game. I gave you everything from day one. You never had to worry about trust with me I never lied to you. The reason for that was simply because a single lie can grow and develop into something much worse. When you asked for things, I gave you them. You wanted a house I made it happen. You wanted to be successful at your job I stepped in and gave you not only the motivation and courage I gave you the ability to understand your own software. I took on the responsibility of helping you raise a son. Knowing you could never birth a child of my own blood. Yet all the sacrifices I made didn’t stop you from not only being with someone else but someone younger and with the same name as me. Whenever you needed me, I was there my mind was open to anything and everything. Yet it wasn’t enough the biggest bet I made was you. I wanted you to be different and I needed you to prove to me that my life wasn’t just to suffer. I forgive you; I regret you; I love you; I don’t need you; I stand by my words even when you won’t stand by yours. But I will give you the last warning you need to listen to. EVERY MAN HAS A BREAKING POINT.

Employment

Work is hard never thought it would be. I’m not a part of a team, but more along the lines I’m here to solve issues when needed. More responsibility with more accountability but no worth. Currently feeling disposable by so many factors it doesn’t really breed loyalty and accountability. It only pushes the employee’s further away. I’m not sure what this life has in store for me. I will do my best to live it to the best of my ability. Stress is always calling my name. The only salvation I have currently is the fact I can hide my emotions in my wife’s embrace.

GoodBye part 2

Currently, my internal thoughts drive me in so many different directions. I no longer have contact with my mother. However, it hurts inside knowing the last bit of family I had left is now gone. I didn’t know it would hurt this bad. But toxic is toxic I can’t keep living that life where my own mother thinks she can do what she wants with my responsibility. She always complained about how I was raising my son. Which is interesting because he seems to understand everything and why I do things. I don’t just jump to harsh punishment with him. I let him understand what’s going on and why it is happening and even let him explain his side of the story to convince me otherwise. The reason he gets grounded so often is that he is given the task to be ungrounded and earn his freedom with his efforts instead of just a time scale. When I was using the time scale, he would weigh out the time verse the effort. He would think that writing a two-page paper explaining why he was playing video games on his phone at school was wrong. Instead, he would just prefer to wait the time out. When he is talking to me, I must remind him he won’t get in trouble for speaking up which it seems it’s hard for him to do. He is slowly breaking away from the cowering voice he once had. He is learning his own voice has power and discussion works best rather than just doing something wrong and dealing with the trouble. Either way, my heart is currently broken, but this isn’t a simple change in my life. This is a life changing one I made this decision after countless problems occurred. Nothing is going to change this decision now or in the foreseeable future. Mother, you decided to burn the last part of my soul I honestly wish you the best moving forward. However, If you do ever read this know I still love you, but I can no longer have you in my life, Goodbye.

GoodBye Mom

Well, today was the day I lost everything original to me. My mother decided that she basically doesn’t want me in her life anymore. The problem is I’m not sure this is honestly a bad choice. I think it would be best for me to cut her out altogether. The stress she has caused me throughout my life and the issues she has caused have basically has made my life a living hell. I know I was never the perfect son but was she ever really a mom. She is only around when she can get her way. It was interesting watching things take fold. She forced us to move out because we were honestly tired of her treating us like shit whenever she wanted. We where not her dependents we paid over 1100 total a month to live there. $500 in rent $600 in groceries. On top of me basically fixing anything that broke in her house. When her dishwasher broke, I bought her a new one. When the fan was never replaced in my room, I purchased one. When the bathroom toilet needed to be changed, I paid for that. She used our furniture our washer and dryer. Basically, I was expected to fix anything and everything that broke. I paid for internet streaming services. I had to be on call when she had any computer issue both personally and her IT job she worked at. So overall the situation was looking very grim. She started to challenge everything I did as a parent to my own kid. Even though she would yell at him for shit that didn’t matter and treat him like a dog. So, when I decided to buy a fish tank and she came out of the room bitching and yelling and then calling me names. My wife finally had enough and told her she was acting like a bitch. Her response was get away from my door or I’ll call the cops. After that, it was a race to move out. After we moved out, we didn’t talk for a while until she needed me again. Now she wanted to go on a vacation and needed somewhere to put the dogs then she was more than willing to try to jump to my aid with my house. This was interesting because it made me laugh at realizing she never will change. After she got back from her vacation, I drove her dog back to her house. Then her dog started to have panic attacks being alone. She then begged for my dog to be brought back to her house. I didn’t want to but then again, her other option was to dope her dog up to where he wasn’t a dog anymore and I decide the dog didn’t need to be treated that way and brought my dog back to her house. I regret that so much now. Because now my dog will be abused because she is crazy as shit. Well, everything calmed down for a while until I was threatened because she didn’t know how to use a ps4 that she was going to sell my fish tank. So Instead of buying my wife a nice birthday present and I ended up hiring movers to help me move it out of the house. I was livid to get a message later telling me that I was no longer allowed into the house without her permission. So, I finally broke and told her to fuck off. Then she started going off about how I did so many things wrong to her. Well, news flash every person has a breaking point. I decided enough was enough. I cut her out of my life after she said she was putting everything to the curb. She then told me I had 30 days to get it after I told her no, I was done put it to the curb. Now I have blocked all communication with her. She is no longer worth the pain to call her family anymore. So today My mother has officially died. Now I have no parents to rely on for advice or anything. Well, mom, I hope you’re honestly happy with destroying our relationship. I was probably the only one who would put up with the real you and now your most likely going to find out once your friends see you for what you really are they will drop you as well.

My Life

I see a lot of people dealing with entitled parents in one way or another however I’m just now trying to lift this weight off my shoulders. Anyways I guess I’ll lay the ground work of the story. Btw There really isn’t a happy ending as I deal with this on the daily. From the beginning I have had the cards stacked against me. Like typical Fashion when one marriage fails the parent gets remarried and produces another kid. I was the first kid and my brother who I love was the second out of the new marriage. So, let’s get into the life story of all that happened as I’m tired of holding everything in. Can you imagine holding a modeling knife to your wrist at the age of like 5-8. By modeling knife, I mean the can where you replace the tip and it has a long metal handle. Well that’s where I was at that age. The only reason I remember it is mainly due to the trauma that lead up to it. My mother would dump me off at the next-door neighbor’s house for babysitting. Guess what that neighbors’ kid was a Pedo and guess what happened when I told my mother. Nothing I was lying and making things up she would say. So, this continued for quite a while. So much so that when I went to go watch power rangers at the movies it happened in public where I ended up feeling like no one would help me. So, let’s move forward in time now it seems my mother wants to make a good impression on her new father in law and new mother in law. However, to them I was basically an insect and not worth their time. I remember having to beg for water at night because I was really thirsty and the response not only from my new grandparents but my mother as well was that I would piss the bed interesting this never happened before or was an issue but I learned quickly the only person I could rely on was myself no one else seemed to care. So instead of asking for water I ended up asking to go to the bathroom and instead of washing my hands I used my hands to scoop water for me to drink. Now I know this doesn’t seem like any sort of abuse, however I’m just setting the stage for the events to occur. Not only did my brand-new cousins give little old me pepper spray they told me to point it into my eyes and spray it. Was my mother there to protect me or comfort me no I was just some dumb kid who was touching things he didn’t need to. The torture doesn’t stop there no let’s dig deeper. Not only was I being teased constantly by my new family members it got so bad that I would be locked in dark closets where they would be on the other side laughing and giggling at everything that was going on. Did my mother step in now no, it wasn’t worth her losing the current foot hold she had in the new family even though in reality she never had one. My mother would basically let me leave the house and explore the neighborhood by distance let’s say three miles she didn’t care she had everything she needed to be worried about secured. So, when I ended up meeting some older kids, I wanted to fit in so I was convinced with my new found friends that throwing rocks at the school’s window was a great idea no one would know right? Wrong police got involved and I got in trouble even though I was under age you know it kind of stuck we me to never trust anyone. You can’t trust family and you can’t trust friends so what’s the point in offering trust at all. Either way mom and my new dad got a job in a different state and we moved there to start our new life. My mother being a programmer and my father a warehouse man. I know most of you are wondering where he has been in this whole story well at first, I didn’t know him enough to trust him or tell him anything. Later, found out he wasn’t a horrible person, nor did he ever harm me. He would spoil me anytime I wanted anything he would buy it and then my mom would yell at him for doing so. It was interesting money wasn’t tight he was working multiple overtime hours and she had great pay. Found out it seemed more like me getting something I wanted was a bad idea. Well anyways my mother was manipulative. She would wrestle with me I’m not sure why how ever anytime I would get near winning she would break down in fake tears and cry or beg my father to help. His response was always you got yourself into it get yourself out. She would continue this trend as if I was a toy, I only thought it was mother and son bonding. Looking back on it now I think it’s the main reason I don’t act in situations unless I plan on causing serious harm. Growing up didn’t get any better I was placed in special Ed basically I was unfit to be around other kids because I was different. I didn’t care to read I only focused on communication verbal and visual learning. I would end up getting made fun as the retard kid and other things, but I think it made me humbler then anything. Junior high came around and discovering poetry was something I was good at made me feel wonderful. I told my mother I was done with the special classes and I would prefer not to do them anymore. Luckily, she agreed, and I never went back to them, but at this age I also started to see how far my feet would travel in the world of kid and parent relationships. I have done this before but now that I was older things went from not caring if I was grounded or lost something because it really had no value too lock me down, I will just ignore you anyways. My brother would end up making great grades and I would be allowed to fail however much I wanted, no real repercussions because nothing would really work anymore. I remember being told I couldn’t get my drivers license until my grades where up. Didn’t matter I still drove the car when I wanted not getting caught became like second nature. I also developed a new trait lying wasn’t worth my time. I figure it would be better to tell the truth however I would bend it while still allowing it to stay true walking that fine line. I started to realize my hands where everything to me. I could not only repair things but was able to create them as well. So, when a kid had a broken hand knife at school, I offered to fix it for him. Only later to realize I made a mistake I trust the friend riding the bus with me after I showed him that he would keep his mouth shut. This didn’t occur and my mother ended up turning me in to the school. This is when I started to get heavy into computers because at least with them I knew if there was a mistake it was because I created it or didn’t catch it. My mother the head of IT would ignore my warnings about software yet would always call me up when she needed help with something. Not a problem lets move forward. In high school I decided to change things. I decided that now was the time to spread my wings and expand into new areas. I wouldn’t take shit and I wouldn’t start shit. I would only finish it. So, during summer this meant that I would need to grow big and get big quick. Let the eating and working out start. Not only did it become apparent to leave me alone in school it grew quickly that I had something called retard strength. There is that word again retard the truth is that is never what it was. It was the mind set that if I was going to do something, I was going to give it my all. So, training myself to switch from regular happy to dead emotions became a trait I would live with. It wasn’t that I was super strong just now it was I would sacrifice my own well being to get the task done. This in turn would help me grow serious muscle mass and strength however not wanting to be a model or look good in the sense of just looks. I only wanted strength I never really cared to get tone. Looking back now this was stupid because I was in high school and things could have been so much easier. Now enter the drug use. I was told for the longest time weed was the worse thing in the world. However, remember I didn’t trust anyone anymore. So, trying drugs was the next step to seeing what was real or not. Unlike other idiots I didn’t just jump into this trend I researched and marked certain drugs off the table. Well it would seem I didn’t agree with weed. It made me feel like I wasn’t in full control and I didn’t care for that feeling. Next was drugs that would help me progress my Ideals. So, I entered the world of steroid use not with full knowledge, but with the ability to see some gain. This would end up affecting me a bit and causing my growth to well be altered physically. Even though things would move on in life. I felt like I had control and could manage things in a new direction didn’t care for my family other then my brother and father. Moving forward I find out this isn’t really the case. I felt in control until my father died then everything fell apart. But in typical fashion my brother and I kept moving forward with my mom. I thought things would change however it seemed that now my mothers plan was to push me into the military as quick as possible. Not even during my senior year I’m going to basic training. My senior year going to AIT something called split ops. After everything is said and done boom deployment. Now my mother wants to oversee my money to pay off my bills. But somehow, she uses the money for other things as well. I think in time I finally snapped and was done. To-Be-Continued.