I have never been fully rich or gifted with lots of currency. I make due with what I have and try to spread joy when I can. Either way It looks like those days are over I have to stop spending money unwisely I’m not a kid anymore and I should start to look for a future and how I want to live in that future. I have never been a great role model always a great coach I can’t seem to follow my own advice time for a change.
This feeling of being empty is a lot to bear now through the days. I have been able to shed a lot of my worries by forgetting they exist and somehow it has worked. While shedding the worries seems to get rid of a large problem it has however created a new one. Now I wonder if I am forgetting something is something left undone. This isn’t a new mind set just now its bolder and stronger than ever. My mind is trying to figure out what is lost and what matters. It’s hard to figure out what we need in life until we get rid of it. Then and only then when we have finally removed the fear of an idea does it come back to haunt the mind with an empty space. When the human mind is filled with doubt and pain it is easy to reject new ideas and concepts as the brain is already full and can’t hold much more. However, when you release your burden you find yourself craving something new just at times you’re not sure what that might be.
The human mind is a wonderful place to think about things and try to achieve something new however what is new to you isn’t new to others. While we lay in bed dreaming of a wonderful future we sometimes forget the past that led us down the very path. To improve one’s life is find art in removing another’s. While most complain about not being able to achieve their goals most never really tried. The worst case is to try and fail and never get on your feet again. Don’t be upset that you have taken something from someone else that isn’t using it. Its nature to perfect one’s self before others. Its nature that allows the same species to kill within its group. So currently running through my head is the natural events to cause a change. What if nature is only a way to push blame for our own hardships onto another. If we remove the word nature do we find ourselves within the confines of our own mind do we expand our knowledge to no longer hurt others but improve upon others for the better of humanity?
A petal on a flower shines in the light
For once what was soon leaves the night.
We hold and condemn what we sit fit.
Forgetting the truth losing the time spent.
What growth we endure from times of pain.
Only hoping someone remembers our name.
Seems interesting that this is the very statement you code for your first project in most languages. It does seem soothing to finally go back to the blog to record my personal thoughts so I can track back to where everything went right or wrong. This is more of a public journal then it is a way for me to advertise stupid shit or try to push product. In honesty this webpage might even bite me in the ass later on when moving forward in the world. A long time ago people would blog to get a sign of relieve or just to show what they where thinking. However, this has changed to where people mainly post how to do DIY stuff or just product reviews as if it gains them traction in the very little life they live. However here I’m mainly just having my thoughts run wild looking for discussion or some form of intelligent conversation.
Living on the edge of life doesn’t seem so hard to do in this current day and age you simply only have to live pay check to paycheck. This is the first step to finding out what the world has for you. I remember it was interesting not being able to afford something I really wanted because I didn’t have money for it. However, the catch is I never would save up for it. If I couldn’t afford the item then I deemed it not worth getting as it cost too much. For instance, lets looking into my current IT field. I need to have a machine that can handle multiple VM’s. With my old life style while I was serving in the army I could afford this and barely make it by. However currently being medically retired from the army I don’t have the same funding I once did. Shit even worse my first marriage was pretty much her using me to grow up and learn to live on her own. She was a great girl and I probably didn’t help the marriage with my personal thought pattern. Either way after my first marriage I had to claim bankruptcy.
Now moving forward into my current life I’m married to wonderful woman. She is honestly the true reason I stayed on this earth. I was willing to give everything up. I didn’t want to try again and didn’t see a reason to try to survive the pain of divorce and my life falling apart. She was just supposed to be a hit it and quit it kind of girl when I first met her. I was trying to hook up with as many girls as I could before January 1st so then I could end it all on a high note. However, this all changed she would txt me messages pictures of her living her life and the things she did reminded me mainly of my mother a strong woman while damaged could make a star shine with just using all the dirt she laid upon. She changed my mind set so much that when we first met I broke out flowers and didn’t aim to score the first night we just enjoyed each other’s company. I drove a solid distance from Fort Benning to her house. Only to fall in love with this wonderful woman.
We started getting serious quickly it was the simplest thing I could have ever done. Things just worked out perfectly and matched correctly. Life on the other hand for some reason decided it would through it’s hand into the mix. This time however it was helpful. Life changed my perception of itself. I found strength in this woman when I was weak. I found that weight that was so busy holding me down was suddenly lifted. I went from wanting to end it all to having something I can stand on again. Solid ground that was once just an empty black hole now was filled covered in roses. The very depression I was scared of even talking about with my mother because how it could destroy her. Was made meaningless as long as I had this wonderful woman in my life.
Things start to twist in my mind overtime. How horrible I am that I still have the same needs that I did before. The same needs that I’m sure destroyed my first marriage where coming back to haunt me. Only this time there was a limiting factor. I would never cause any physical harm to this angel who was now in my life. Hell, I couldn’t even joke about the concepts that would fly through my head that might even slightly harm her. My thoughts where starting to eat me alive again. It was if a mental patent was thrown into a chucky cheese with no supervision. Then I said fuck it all broke down and opened up everything I am to this woman I love. Instead of push me away or ignore me she listened. She did something I never thought I would feel in a woman she made me feel like I wasn’t alone.
This woman took on such a difficult role that I still feel ashamed about to this day as a man. She took up my weight as a broken soul and became the very structure that would hold me together from the inside. She would go on to regulate my internals as if she has rebuilt a human soul before attaching each piece in the correct location rebuilding me from the ground up. The time and effort she puts in when I’m down I’m so grateful to have someone lift the weight off my chest when I need it most.
Well that’s pretty much my mindset today and a little about me. I hope you can understand this isn’t the common blog where someone tries to sell you something or someone tries to tell you how to do something. This is the most internal thoughts being written out and shared with the world to let you know depression isn’t a single battle but an ongoing war with internal conflict.