I asked many questions about the affair. More than I honestly should have mainly because she didn’t understand that being truthful means everything to me. Even when telling me she would be truthful she still lied in an effort to protect herself. It was her mainly retelling the same story with new additions and new pains. It was interesting to see her break away from lying. The only cost is I had to lie to her for her to even start telling me the truth. A door I never wanted to open. I never lied to my family like that before and there I was lying to her to get her to tell the truth. How can I say lying is such a horrible thing when it produces so many results? In the past, I knew she was well a horrible person. I still loved her anyway. I found that maybe I could have a better marriage then my first and focus on doing the right thing for once. The only thing I wish I never did was believing that I could have a miracle. I believed she messed up enough in the past to understand that a fourth marriage wouldn’t be in her best interest. This wasn’t the case she sought out to branch as every female does. I can now fully understand the movement of MGTOW. Why men are separating them self’s from women. I still don’t know if she is with me now because of the wall she has hit or because I’m a good influence on Jackson. Either way, She destroyed our marriage. I’m honestly done with it. I don’t want to be with her anymore. At least not that part of her anymore. But what makes it interesting is that after such an issue I feel like a real bond can grow. Like she might see the truth for what it is. She might move forward and find real love. The only problem every lie she has told well it’s always been the same lie over and over again. She told me it’s her fault, but my dumb ass keeps thinking it was mine because I wasn’t strong enough even when I felt things where honestly happening, I let it go because I was too scared to ask. I even played the song I don’t want to know countless times during these times because I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. She broke me down to a worthless human being and I’m still willing to call her wife. I don’t know why did I hit a wall. I don’t know if its just I honestly want to give up. I pressed a knife in my chest and started to press it in my skin didn’t break even though I was firmly pressing it. I don’t know why they are brand new. She even stopped it like she cared which was interesting. I feel she still can’t relate to what she has done, but I don’t know what to do anymore. Well, that’s the Mindset below is the interview Enjoy. You might notice some words are spelled wrong or not finished it was a direct copy paste of her answers.
what where you able to express or experience there that you could no longer do with me?
It was that new attraction feeling. I thought it was something to do with you. But it wasnt. That was me justifying it to myself. I let that feeling burn out. It’s the feeling that has rekindled in the past couple of weeks of me actually being with you instead of being a roommate. It was my fault. You havent changed. You’ve held your hand out to me from the beginning. I’m the one that changed. I relaxed and thought it would carry us through the rest of our lives to keep putting bandaids on it. It didnt. It just allowed the relationship underneath the mound of covers to rot.
What was it like for you when you came home?
What is it about us that you value?
I value the strength and protectiveness in you. I value your kind words when you are encouraging or praising me and Jack. I value the companionship that I’ve only begun to see. You always have a smile for me. You always make me laugh. You push me to be better than I am bc you have faith in me.
Are you pleased this is over?
I’m pleased that I got it out after so long. But I dont
think its over
So you will see him again?
No!, I was meaning talking about me and you. I haven’t seen him in years. And I don’t plan on seeing him again. I haven’t talked to him since he was walked out.
Where you getting some need met from this other person that you were afraid to ask me to provide?
Technically yes. I was getting a ego boost that I didnt ask you for bc I had been pushing you away
Did you feel guilty at the time?
Yes. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyways
Did you find anything new out about yourself?
Just the I’m the world’s biggest bitch And I’ve been a complete idiot
I hear you blame the other person for the affair, is it difficult for you to take full responsibility?
I know its fully my fault
Why do you think it happened when it did? Was there anything else going on in your life that influenced your decision?
We had recently moved to Prattville. I had starting imposing when we could have sex (after everyone went to sleep). That’s what was going on at the time. I’m not trying to use all that as an excuse. That’s just the circumstances at the time.
What made it
difficult to stop?
It was difficult to stop lying bc it was always easier than being honest. I tried to shroud the truth in layers of lies to make it easier for me to not hate myself. That didnt work though. I hated myself all the more because of it.
What made it difficult to stop your relationship with him?
Once it got to the point that I was disgusted with myself I knew I had to end it. It wasnt neccesarily difficult. It was more annoying bc I basically wanted to ghost but we worked in the same building for a few more shifts. Turns out he was ghosting me too.
What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?
That it was just a fling, it didnt mean anything. There was distance growing between us. You never wanted to be in the same room as me anymore anyways.
How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong?
Cause I didnt really see that the flirting, no matter how deep it went, that it wasnt cheating until it moved physical. Then it lasted 3 shifts.
What did you share about us with him?
I didnt bring us up. I figured that if I did it would make me realise sooner that what I was doing was erong. So I didnt mention us at work. It wasnt just to him. I didn’t talk about us to anyone at work. I wasnt close enough to anyone. Didnt even talk to Sinclair or Teresa about us. Granted, the girls were later on but I didnt even then
Did you ever want me to find out?
I wanted to tell you myself eventually. I didnt want you to find out from someone else
What drew you to this person?
Outgoing personality and looks.
How did you feel when I found out about the affair?
Like shit that I wasnt the one to tell you. Scared that I had ruined everything between us when I was just starting to enjoy being with you again. Broken that I had hurt you. And disgusted that I had done it.
Did you think I would never find out?
No I knew you would. Especially with how much it was coming up lately. I just didnt know how to tell you.
Did you see a future with this other person?
Did you ever think of
I have questioned whether or not to leave you a couple times over the years, but never about anything to do with him
Are you willing to be patient as I learn how to forgive you?
Yes. I told you we could have this conversation a million
times if that’s what it takes and I will not give up on you. I will either hold
you when you need me to or not touch you when you need me to.What
would it be like if I had an affair?