Habit isn’t standard. Effort leads to success.

Today marks 5 years of marriage. It has had its ups and downs. I’ve learned a lot from this man. I wish I could say I was a good wife, but I’m not. Ive pushed him away a lot and caused unaccountable amounts of pain. Yet he still stays by my side. He has pushed me to be better than I am. He has supported me and pushed me along my career path. I didn’t do the same for him. I discouraged him. *

I keep typing then deleting things because even to my own self it sounds like nothing but excuses.*

I hope that he can forgive me for the pain I’ve caused and that we can try for many more years. I’ve been married twice before. I wanted this time to be different because I viewed him as different than my previous. Turns out that having a partner thats different doesnt make a marriage different if you are still the same shitty person. I want him to see that Im changing to be better. To be the best wife that I can be. I want to make him happy.

Side note- my husband just yelled “potato” for no reason. This is the man that Ive chosen to spend my life with. He is calm when needed, he makes me laugh, he makes me think (which Ive never had to actually do in a relationship).

Its not been easy. For the longest time I tried to tiptoe around his moods and eccentricities bc I didnt want to send him in a tailspin of depression. Looking back, Im not sure if i did it for him or me. I didnt like seeing him in pain but I also didnt know or like having to hold him together. I realize that I was causing more pain by not being honest. By the time that I realized I was hurting more than helping, I was in a catch 22 and the lies just kept piling on.

After 5 years, I’m off autopilot. I want to be with him and I want to enjoy whatever life throws at us together. I know its not going to be easy, its going to be hard work. But im willing to do whatever it takes. He keeps stopping me for actually saying this because i have made statements like that before and it has lasted 2 weeks until i get complacent again and continue back on autopilot. Im writing it here so that I can reread this whenever I feel myself slipping to make a conscious effort to pull myself back from there to be a partner he can be proud of, that I can be proud to be.

Im sorry for all the shit Ive pulled. Im your wife and I will strive to be worthy of the love and support you offer each and every day. Happy anniversary my hero.