Sitting here drunk thinking of the past. It’s interesting the short life spans we have in this world. And how just yesterday I was going to school at daniel pratt. I now understand why parents don’t want these kids to grow up. Growing up is the worst thing for a human being. Time is lost and the moments you wished you used are gone. I just want to die with my wives embrace around me. I have much more to live for because of her. Thank you angel.

Future is stupid

Lol What do we do with our time we plan to do certain things only for it to fall apart. I had plan and I couldn’t even keep them moving forward. Wife got a new job and now I still work at the same shitty place. It’s going to be interesting to see what changes now. But either way blast the music feel the beat and take each step with your own two fucking feet.

I’m FAT.

Today fucking sucked. My fat cried. I cried. I looked at my hubby and said “fuck you” as I was struggling with a low weight. At the time I felt like I was dying and that I couldnt do it. He was trying to get me to push myself. I ended up able to do it. Still, I was contemplating whether skinny/fit was worth that pain. Then I remembered that it wasnt my fat or my comfort on the line. It’s my marriage. I cant lose that. I cant lose him. So I’m gonna keep pushing. As much as it sucks. As much as I hurt. I will lose this weight and be fit. I want to be able to chase the dogs and kid. I want to have an active, enjoyable sex life with my husband. Maybe working out will grow on me like hot sauce did. Here’s to hoping.

Come on bitch, you cant fail, you cant give up. Not on this. Do it for you. Your heart has been funny.

Fix your weight. Fix you. Fix your marriage.

12 Weeks of hell

Dear Self.
Don’t lose sight of what you’re doing. You got this for once focus on your body for you. Get this 12 week of hell out your system and conquer your future get in shape and retake back your life. No need to carry that fat gut everywhere let’s get into some clothes that fit amazingly and start working out to where we can eat tacos again freely. I believe in you now you need to believe in yourself. Fat fuck Get this shit Right and get it Tight. If you don’t start losing weight, then Your marriage is a fucking lie and you admit it. Current Weight 336

Habit isn’t standard. Effort leads to success.

Today marks 5 years of marriage. It has had its ups and downs. I’ve learned a lot from this man. I wish I could say I was a good wife, but I’m not. Ive pushed him away a lot and caused unaccountable amounts of pain. Yet he still stays by my side. He has pushed me to be better than I am. He has supported me and pushed me along my career path. I didn’t do the same for him. I discouraged him. *

I keep typing then deleting things because even to my own self it sounds like nothing but excuses.*

I hope that he can forgive me for the pain I’ve caused and that we can try for many more years. I’ve been married twice before. I wanted this time to be different because I viewed him as different than my previous. Turns out that having a partner thats different doesnt make a marriage different if you are still the same shitty person. I want him to see that Im changing to be better. To be the best wife that I can be. I want to make him happy.

Side note- my husband just yelled “potato” for no reason. This is the man that Ive chosen to spend my life with. He is calm when needed, he makes me laugh, he makes me think (which Ive never had to actually do in a relationship).

Its not been easy. For the longest time I tried to tiptoe around his moods and eccentricities bc I didnt want to send him in a tailspin of depression. Looking back, Im not sure if i did it for him or me. I didnt like seeing him in pain but I also didnt know or like having to hold him together. I realize that I was causing more pain by not being honest. By the time that I realized I was hurting more than helping, I was in a catch 22 and the lies just kept piling on.

After 5 years, I’m off autopilot. I want to be with him and I want to enjoy whatever life throws at us together. I know its not going to be easy, its going to be hard work. But im willing to do whatever it takes. He keeps stopping me for actually saying this because i have made statements like that before and it has lasted 2 weeks until i get complacent again and continue back on autopilot. Im writing it here so that I can reread this whenever I feel myself slipping to make a conscious effort to pull myself back from there to be a partner he can be proud of, that I can be proud to be.

Im sorry for all the shit Ive pulled. Im your wife and I will strive to be worthy of the love and support you offer each and every day. Happy anniversary my hero.

The Interview

I asked many questions about the affair. More than I honestly should have mainly because she didn’t understand that being truthful means everything to me. Even when telling me she would be truthful she still lied in an effort to protect herself. It was her mainly retelling the same story with new additions and new pains. It was interesting to see her break away from lying. The only cost is I had to lie to her for her to even start telling me the truth. A door I never wanted to open. I never lied to my family like that before and there I was lying to her to get her to tell the truth. How can I say lying is such a horrible thing when it produces so many results? In the past, I knew she was well a horrible person. I still loved her anyway. I found that maybe I could have a better marriage then my first and focus on doing the right thing for once. The only thing I wish I never did was believing that I could have a miracle. I believed she messed up enough in the past to understand that a fourth marriage wouldn’t be in her best interest. This wasn’t the case she sought out to branch as every female does. I can now fully understand the movement of MGTOW. Why men are separating them self’s from women. I still don’t know if she is with me now because of the wall she has hit or because I’m a good influence on Jackson. Either way, She destroyed our marriage. I’m honestly done with it. I don’t want to be with her anymore. At least not that part of her anymore. But what makes it interesting is that after such an issue I feel like a real bond can grow. Like she might see the truth for what it is. She might move forward and find real love. The only problem every lie she has told well it’s always been the same lie over and over again. She told me it’s her fault, but my dumb ass keeps thinking it was mine because I wasn’t strong enough even when I felt things where honestly happening, I let it go because I was too scared to ask. I even played the song I don’t want to know countless times during these times because I wasn’t strong enough to handle it. She broke me down to a worthless human being and I’m still willing to call her wife. I don’t know why did I hit a wall. I don’t know if its just I honestly want to give up. I pressed a knife in my chest and started to press it in my skin didn’t break even though I was firmly pressing it. I don’t know why they are brand new. She even stopped it like she cared which was interesting. I feel she still can’t relate to what she has done, but I don’t know what to do anymore. Well, that’s the Mindset below is the interview Enjoy. You might notice some words are spelled wrong or not finished it was a direct copy paste of her answers.

what where you able to express or experience there that you could no longer do with me?

It was that new attraction feeling. I thought it was something to do with you. But it wasnt. That was me justifying it to myself. I let that feeling burn out. It’s the feeling that has rekindled in the past couple of weeks of me actually being with you instead of being a roommate. It was my fault. You havent changed. You’ve held your hand out to me from the beginning. I’m the one that changed. I relaxed and thought it would carry us through the rest of our lives to keep putting bandaids on it. It didnt. It just allowed the relationship underneath the mound of covers to rot.

What was it like for you when you came home?

Routine

What is it about us that you value?

I value the strength and protectiveness in you. I value your kind words when you are encouraging or praising me and Jack. I value the companionship that I’ve only begun to see. You always have a smile for me. You always make me laugh. You push me to be better than I am bc you have faith in me.

Are you pleased this is over?

I’m pleased that I got it out after so long. But I dont think its over
So you will see him again?

No!, I was meaning talking about me and you. I haven’t seen him in years. And I don’t plan on seeing him again. I haven’t talked to him since he was walked out.

Where you getting some need met from this other person that you were afraid to ask me to provide?

Technically yes. I was getting a ego boost that I didnt ask you for bc I had been pushing you away

Did you feel guilty at the time?

Yes. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyways

Did you find anything new out about yourself?

Just the I’m the world’s biggest bitch And I’ve been a complete idiot

I hear you blame the other person for the affair, is it difficult for you to take full responsibility?

I know its fully my fault

Why do you think it happened when it did? Was there anything else going on in your life that influenced your decision?

We had recently moved to Prattville. I had starting imposing when we could have sex (after everyone went to sleep). That’s what was going on at the time. I’m not trying to use all that as an excuse. That’s just the circumstances at the time.

What made it difficult to stop?

It was difficult to stop lying bc it was always easier than being honest. I tried to shroud the truth in layers of lies to make it easier for me to not hate myself. That didnt work though. I hated myself all the more because of it.

What made it difficult to stop your relationship with him?

Once it got to the point that I was disgusted with myself I knew I had to end it. It wasnt neccesarily difficult. It was more annoying bc I basically wanted to ghost but we worked in the same building for a few more shifts. Turns out he was ghosting me too.

What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved?

That it was just a fling, it didnt mean anything. There was distance growing between us. You never wanted to be in the same room as me anymore anyways.

How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong?

Cause I didnt really see that the flirting, no matter how deep it went, that it wasnt cheating until it moved physical. Then it lasted 3 shifts.

What did you share about us with him?

I didnt bring us up. I figured that if I did it would make me realise sooner that what I was doing was erong. So I didnt mention us at work. It wasnt just to him. I didn’t talk about us to anyone at work. I wasnt close enough to anyone. Didnt even talk to Sinclair or Teresa about us. Granted, the girls were later on but I didnt even then

Did you ever want me to find out?

I wanted to tell you myself eventually. I didnt want you to find out from someone else

What drew you to this person?

Outgoing personality and looks.

How did you feel when I found out about the affair?

Like shit that I wasnt the one to tell you. Scared that I had ruined everything between us when I was just starting to enjoy being with you again. Broken that I had hurt you. And disgusted that I had done it.

Did you think I would never find out?

No I knew you would. Especially with how much it was coming up lately. I just didnt know how to tell you.

Did you see a future with this other person?

no

Did you ever think of leaving me?
I have questioned whether or not to leave you a couple times over the years, but never about anything to do with him

Are you willing to be patient as I learn how to forgive you?

Yes. I told you we could have this conversation a million times if that’s what it takes and I will not give up on you. I will either hold you when you need me to or not touch you when you need me to.What would it be like if I had an affair?

Devastating

Calming Wave

Trying a new approach to my life. Wanting to move forward with my mind twisting back. Like a knife leaning on the weight of my decisions will I be cut, or will I handle the blade correctly. Things seem to always work out to where I see an outcome and I beg for it not to come true only to see I was right all along. I need to change the speed and direction of my movement to no longer fight the waves but to use them to finally find peace in my own life. Times will be hard, and my mind can be my worst enemy. But this life is mine the only one I’ll ever have. I need to find peace in it and move forward into a passion I can trust. Things can always get worse but have we ever truly tried to make them better?

The Truth Arrives

Women I beg for understanding. Why cause so much pain and suffer. Why is it men are discarded at the flip of a coin. My own wife decided it was time for truth. What is the truth but a lie covered in roses? The roses wilt when the truth itself isn’t pure. Not only do you find yourself in a situation where you tell the truth to someone you cover the whole truth and try to lessen the impact. My wife made the choice like I view all women do to cheat on me. This wasn’t recent, but it did occur. When the partner asks you to define cheating before they answer the question then whatever comes out their mouth is a lie. When you set the stage for them, they will play it within rules to make sure they are ahead of the game. I gave you everything from day one. You never had to worry about trust with me I never lied to you. The reason for that was simply because a single lie can grow and develop into something much worse. When you asked for things, I gave you them. You wanted a house I made it happen. You wanted to be successful at your job I stepped in and gave you not only the motivation and courage I gave you the ability to understand your own software. I took on the responsibility of helping you raise a son. Knowing you could never birth a child of my own blood. Yet all the sacrifices I made didn’t stop you from not only being with someone else but someone younger and with the same name as me. Whenever you needed me, I was there my mind was open to anything and everything. Yet it wasn’t enough the biggest bet I made was you. I wanted you to be different and I needed you to prove to me that my life wasn’t just to suffer. I forgive you; I regret you; I love you; I don’t need you; I stand by my words even when you won’t stand by yours. But I will give you the last warning you need to listen to. EVERY MAN HAS A BREAKING POINT.